New Year, new lessons, and new resolutions.

As I write this, I am sitting at the small coffee/breakfast table in Eric's Healthy House. Many who know Eric know him by the pseudonym Hypnotica, as he has become known in the pickup and seduction community. Of course, I first heard about him through Neil Strauss's book, The Game, where he was given the name Rasputin. In the book, he, along with Steve P., where known as the 'inner game' guru's and specialized in transforming men into natural seducers with the use of hypnosis, NLP, and other mental tricks that are highly controversial in the mainstream psychological world as being 'pseudo-science', or 'new age hippy metaphysical bullshit' (depending on who you are talking too). However, Neil describes his experience with them as something different. In his own words, he claims that the work they did on him left him with the sensation of gaining super powers. Having an interest in psychology, the brain, and hypnosis for as long as I can remember, it should seem obvious that I would be drawn to Eric like a moth to an open flame.

Once I tracked him down, realizing he no longer (or never did) go by the moniker of Rasputin, I was entered into a world like I would never believe. I have, to date, all but one of his products (the missing one is the one he did with Steve P that, at the moment, is a tad out of my price range, but on my list of desired purchases). I have also had both the honor and pleasure of working with Eric directly, through a few Skype video chats, and even an in person meeting with the man in his home. I have been a part of his Master's Circle group from when it was opened, and for a long while was a regular contributor to it with my own advancement. I even wound up co-founding a hypnosis group, Mythic Hypnosis, as a result. The man is a legend to me, and I admit that one of my goals in life is not only to be his friend, but to be able to hang with him on his level. And all of this because I got tired of striking out with women.

All of that being said, I still find it hard to believe I am here in the first place. I guess I should explain some of what has happened in the last couple of months, as I have not really updated this, and there is a long story to tell.

A couple of months ago, November of 2015, I had a shit storm blow through my life. I was working two jobs, being a, event bartender for what was basically an alcohol catering company, as well as being the Graduate Fellow for my law school's Career Development Office. All of this while, I admit, 'trying' to find work as an attorney, but mostly waiting for the bar results to come out at the end of the month. Halloween of that year, my absolute favorite holiday, sucked big time for me, as I had to work and was unable to dress up. Instead, I got to serve drinks for some well off person's neighborhood Halloween party at a time I was already feeling kind of negative about my job. Despite the attention I was getting because of my Facebook posts about the gigs I worked, the life of an event bartender was no longer enjoyable for me.

The annoying part was that I was damn good at it, or at least I thought (and was told) I was. This was until I got my ass handed to me over the phone because I had apparently committed a cardinal sin against my company when I tried to protect it, and prevented a client from using us to break the law. Long story short, I had been called in from one event to help straighten out another event that was coming undone and the seams, and after I had gotten that place running like a German clock, I still managed to get in trouble for following the law and protecting my company from liability. After two hours of getting chewed out by my boss, I knew I needed to find something better. The very next day I got my bar results and found out that I would need to take the exam a second time.

I was, to put it most accurately, completely destroyed. Yet, as odd as it may sound, the Universe was on my side in all of this. Two years ago, before flying out to Paris with my law school for a summer immersive in international law, I had spent a day in Malibu with Neil Strauss (remember him?) helping him edit parts of his newest book, The Truth. I was able to do this because I had been on a call with him, some self help discussion, and had volunteered my time to help him. Basically, I took a chance, raised my hand, and was called on. It was, a lot like right now, kind of hard to believe it had happened, and weird to think that I was sitting so very close to a man who's books had changed so much of my life. As a result of that meet up, not only did I later help two of Neil's Style Life Coaches edit their new book, Attract and Seduce, but also was invited to a weekend in Las Vegas with the group when I met up with Neil at a book signing near me. Not to brag, but my name is even in the thank you section of The Truth, which I admit took me by a bit of surprise. So there I was, having gotten a one two swift kick in the spiritual nuts, but had already had a weekend in Vegas planned out as a sort of spiritual revival.

Well, OK, to be fair it was two weekends in Vegas back to back. The weekend after the bar results was Thanksgiving, and after spending the holiday with family, I drove out to Vegas with my best friend who had just gotten back from deployment with the Navy. That weekend was all about just a nice, calm, relaxing trip to Vegas where we were given a deluxe suite in Caesar's. Then it was back to San Francisco for a few days to repack and head back out to Vegas for the conference./celebration with Neil's crew. While there, I was able to make a lot of friends with some very interesting characters, made enough of an impression on Adam Lions that I might have a spot soon to work with him if I want to, and even got hooked with with one of Neil's guys about improving the Tinder game based on my success of using a stuffed Cthulhu as my profile. It was the retreat I needed at that time, and in many ways gave me back a part of myself that I had previously thought lost to me.

Before I go on, I would like to say one thing. Yes, a lot of this stuff has to do with the pickup and seduction community, or the pick up artists as some would be called. Fact is, yes, I have spent some time, a lot of time in fact, studying, researching, and practicing pick up. This has, on a few occasions, sparked some very heated debates as the topic can be rather polarizing and controversial depending on who you are talking to. It has been my own experience that the community has a lot of potential, that a lot of the founders of the movement had some solid intentions, and that there is a lot of room for personal growth possible within the community. It is also my experience that the community contains a very powerful, and very prevalent, toxic aspect to it. As was pointed out to me at the Vegas conference, one of the largest dangers in the PUA community is the seduction of the community itself. Men desperate to get laid, get a girl to like them, or just to feel wanted for once in their life will flock to this stuff because they are told it will be easy, that they will be able to get any girl they want. This is not true, as a real teacher will tell you that it takes work, dedication, and that there will be a lot of failures and learning experiences on the way. Sadly, this truth does not work so well in marketing, so that toxic element has instead caused some very bad, and very real consequences. As such, there is a lot of the community the fully deserves the hate and bile that is so readily heaped upon it. However, this is not to say that ALL of the community does. I have learned a lot from the pickup artists, and in many ways I would not be where I am without them. As such, I cannot find it in me to hate or even dislike the community, only bemoan what it has become over time. This is, of course, my own experience.

Now, I have neglected to mention that before heading out to Vegas for the second time, I saw a post by Eric saying that he was discontinuing his Skype calls as he would be spending his time and effort focusing on his new Evolution Overhaul program. This would be an in person 'boot camp' with people that was designed to completely redo and overhaul their lives. Being a broke former law student with a minimum wage job and the need to take the bar over again, decided that, while I could not afford to go to the program, I could at least scrape up the cash to make one last call to Eric for a bit of guidance, I was, at this point, still not feeling all that good about myself. The call was, to be blunt, mind blowing. Eric told me flat out that he thought I was being to hard on myself, and invited me and a couple of my hypnosis friends over to his place to be the first people for the Evolution Overhaul program, his treat. I was handed not just a golden ticket, but the chance of a lifetime. So of course, through tears of joy, I said yes and set everything up.

Back in San Francisco, I set to packing up my life. I quit my job, finished up my fellowship, and set about just getting everything ready to transition. I got in a small car accident, a fender bender, which I admit was more annoying then anything. Christmas came and went, and I got to spend with again with family. The second nightmare came when I was driving back to San Francisco for the last time. Now, to make another long story short (this post is long enough as it is, and I admit the memory is still kind of raw in my mind), I was approached by a guy at a gas station who offered to fix the dent in my bumper. Dent popped out it then turns out that a part needs to be ordered as it was broken. This starts a chain of events that, to the outside observer would have been red flags, but to me at the time just ended up being a nightmare that drained me of $1.5k. I had gotten scammed, and the wound from not passing the bar opened all over again.

Really, the real injury in all of this is my ego. Yes, my pocket book has suffered greatly and it will take time to fix, but it can be fixed. Yes, my car still needs work done to it. And yes, I am hoping that the police will catch this guy and that justice will be served. But the truth is that in all of this it is my ego that was damaged most. I identify as a smart guy, even if I second guess my intelligence on a constant basis. Hell, the only times my brain seems to quiet down is when I am having sex, mixing drinks, or practicing martial arts. Yet as much as I berate myself on my perceived knowledge and skill, it is moments like these that make me feel like a complete and total idiot in truth and not just in name. I'm supposed to be the smart one, so how can I fail the bar? How is it that I can be taken for such an obvious scam? How is it that I can let myself get in trouble when I felt like I was so in control? These kinds of things will destroy me more then anything else, and it shakes my reality to the core when they happen. I feel like a failure, and honestly expect my loved ones to abandon me, or at the very least think less of me for what happened. I feel more broken then ever, and it just leaves me drained, depressed, and wishing I could just blink out of existence.

Sadly, this kind of thing also makes me forget the good things. I had a wonderful new years with a good friend of mine, and really my family did not disown me, and a lot of my friends have been very supportive in all instances (even if I am still partly convinced that they are badmouthing me behind my back because of this). As I pointed out to a friend, the hardest part about me feeling broken is the feeling that I am unable to put myself back together, and that someone else has to do it or it will turn out wrong again. Intellectually, I know this is a bullshit belief, but it is much harder to convince my emotions of that fact. And yet, five minutes after stepping into Eric's house, I am already feeling the shit storm leaving me, and a smile on my face.

While I hate to admit it, I think my journey to find my personal legend is mirroring The Alchemist a little too much. After deciding to go after his treasure, the shepherd is conned out of all of his money as well. This thought made me laugh for a while while I cleaned out my apartment. It may not be ideal, but maybe this just means I am on the right path after all. I will say this much, being here feels like I am exactly where I need to be, same as I felt while in Vegas. It is going to be a hell of a week.