In just a short amount of time, so much has changed. I'm still not used to seeing my new reflection in the mirror. I know I have been saying I was going to shave my head for some time now if ever my hairline got bad enough, but honestly I was just stalling for time. Like I said, I'm still not used to it. I've seen people comment on the new photos, how I look younger then before, that I look better. I look at my reflection and I honestly think I look older than I did with hair. Maybe I am finally just seeing myself for my actual age.... which is another topic I'm starting to really grapple with.
You see, I have been given two seemingly conflicting pieces of data in my time. Or, to be more accurate, I've been given hundreds of different data points that I have recently boiled down into two distinct patterns in what some may call an obvious abuse of Occam's razor on my own self image. These two points revolve around my age, being that I am currently identified as being a 27 year old male. I say identified as because I tend to forget my own age, though more often then not I assume I am older then I actually am. I do not think, however, that this is just my ego speaking, but that I honestly just get the time frame wrong and just round up instead of down. A bit part of this I believe to be the assertion that I have heard from countless people throughout my life that I possess, what many call, an 'old soul'. I've been called this by many people, in many contexts, and I am hard pressed to disagree with any of them.
One of the biggest issues I have found with my way of thinking in the past is that I tend to operate from a place of urgency. The feeling of never having enough time to accomplish all that I want to do in my life. This is, of course, flawed thinking, as much of what I want deep down is for the completion of these goals, not necessarily the actual process necessary to come to that completion. At the same time, I tend to feel behind the curve, as it were. The fact that I failed the California Bar exam once makes me feel like I am now 6 months behind many of my friends who have passed. This is, of course, another flawed perception, as I know a number of friends who passed and have not found work, and those that did not pass and have found work already. But instead of looking at the logical comparisons, I tend to focus more on the illogical one of of those individuals who have both passed and found employment. Then there are the much more improbable comparisons of myself to those in my general age range, whom I do not know personally, but who have done simply amazing things already in their short time here on Earth. So much time and energy spent on completely pointless comparisons that only serve to make my own time frame much more warped than it already is.
This has all been thrown into chaos, of course, by Eric telling me flat out "but you're still young, you have plenty of time". The problem with my apparent status as an old soul is that I feel my clock ticking much more accurately then those around me. Like I said, I operate from a place of frantic urgency, which often is from a feeling of not having enough time as it is. Now I feel that I must point out that I cannot predict my own end, however by all accounts I should have died at least twice, if not three times, by now. Those who know me well will know that that is not an empty claim used for effect, as statements of that nature often are, but that I have had a handful of legitimate near death experiences. As it stands, I am intimately aware of not only my own mortality, the fragility in which life, and my place in life, operates. All of which does not help the ticking clock inside my head from ringing as each passing day goes by. And yet here is a mentor of mine telling me not to worry, that I have plenty of time left to do the things that I want to do.
As mentioned before, my time in the Evolution Overhaul beta with Eric was perhaps one of the best possible things that could have ever happened to me. I was exposed to so much and was in many was given a new perspective to carry with me back into my everyday life. Yet outside of that environment was the world I left behind, unchanged, with all of the same anchors and triggers that I had left behind for a week and a half. My family was, to my surprise, receptive to many of the new ideas that I brought back with me, but implementation has been a slow process to say the least. Then there are my own limitations to contend with, most pressing on my mind is my financial situation and the resulting inability to instantly put into practice all that I have learned. Still I feel the hands of father time, tapping me on the shoulder as if to say "you best get a move on, kid, you still have lots of work to do", while having very little ability to put into play all of the cards I want to. If I may indulge in a somewhat geeky metaphor, it is like playing Magic the Gathering, knowing all that is in your deck, and impatiently waiting to draw the cards you need. You may even have some of the cards in your hand, but lack the required mana .to play them. Thus is the situation I find myself in now.
This of course really hit home this past weekend, after I attended a formal promotion at my Karate Dojo. One benefit to living with my parents is the fact that I will be able to train there, relatively free, so long as I am in the area. Everyone there seems happy to have me back, and in many ways it is like returning to an extended part of my family every time I go. I have been a part of this Dojo for around 20 years now, even as it has moved locations a few times during my tenure there. I have left and come back now 3 times, and every time it is like I never left to begin with. Hell, given only 5 minutes of reviewing the techniques, my muscle memory already has kicked in and allowed me to pick up right where I had left off. Yet as I watched some of the other black belts I had once trained with as a kid advance to a higher rank, my time away from them became all the more obvious to me. I was overwhelmed by my own ambitions, brought nearly to tears by what I wanted to do, but felt powerless to do in that very moment.
You see, I want to advance to the rank of Sensei in martial arts, hell I wanted to build a wooden training dummy. Combine this with the want to tool my diet and workout to continue to rebuild my body, I have at least 6 books that I have outlined to write, along with hundreds of books to read and dozens of side projects that I want to work on. And did I forget to mention that I am currently studying for the bar? And here I felt so overwhelmed that I am almost paralyzed. I mean even as I write this I have studying to do, and I am procrastinating with this because I just had to get it off my mind. Again, so much I want to do, and it feels like I have so little time or resources to do them all in.
And again, Eric said that I was young. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around, the idea that I am young and that I still have time to do all of this stuff in. Just as I am adjusting to the new look in the mirror, I am adjusting to the idea that I do have time for all of this, so long as I just slow down. Before I left Eric, he did a small reading for me from his oracle deck. The deck was based on nature, with trees, flowers, and other plants as the cards. Now you may, or may not, put much stock in these kinds of things, but I admit that this one hit me. The card was the Redwood, It talks about remembering to take one's time, and that a person, me, must take things one piece at a time. A redwood will only grow tall over time, not all at once. And here I am wanting to just leap to the top without getting my roots deep into the soil. Can't grow without a solid foundation.... and it is a message that keeps echoing in my mind.
So here I am, bald, overwhelmed by ambition, and trying to remember the growth of a redwood... This is a weird time for me, and a weird place to be. But I will do everything I can to solidify my foundation, to not let my ambition paralyze me, and to allow the lessons Eric gave me to fully integrate into my life. All of this while studying for the bar. This should be interesting to say the least.
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