It should be of no surprise that the reason that there are few updates, besides not having established a solid habit of doing this yet, is that studying for the bar exam leaves very little time for much else. My time of late has been focused mainly on my studies, as well time carved out for my Karate training and work out. Everything at this point is mainly centered around passing this infernal test, and to that end I have tried to maintain a decent enough diet to stay nourished. I have a small army of supplements that I have been taking as well, trying to just cover as many bases as humanly possible to keep my mind as active and functional as I can. I am doing everything that I can to make sure that the foundation work I did with Eric is not wasted, and that I can continue to grow and move forward on my path to realize my own personal legend.
And results have been.... interesting. Let's get the big one out of the way; the bar exam. I have now less than 20 days until I take the test, and honestly I am not sure how prepared I really am. Part of that is the nature of the test, I suppose, but a big part of it as well is just that I am not sure how well my confidence has held up from failing in the first place. Getting into study mode has not been easy, and I am not sure how effective my methods have been so far. I've scored decent on a lot of the tests I have taken, but the bar exam itself is unpredictable. Really, I can just do my best and keep pushing forward. The good news, however, is that I am not as stressed over it. Last time, I was freaking out almost daily. Now, while I may still have the odd chill and small panic, I seem to have fallen into a kind of zen over the whole subject. Maybe I am finally coming to terms with the reality of the test, that it is not so much a reflection of my overall abilities or intelligence, but instead just another obstacle or challenge in my path. Yes, I have failed it once already, which has not set well with my ego. However, I am still alive, I still have food, a place to sleep, and friends and family who care about me. All and all, I guess it could be a lot worse, and I have finally started to come to terms with that.
Outside of the bar results have still been interesting. I have started to notice more and more definition in my muscles, which is always nice. While I have not yet gone fully into the workout set that I have lined up, I am still seeing improvement which is a plus. I've asked the instructors at the dojo to push me, and they have been. This has led to more then one moment of having to remind myself 'no, you asked for this' when I am starting to feel singled out and defensive. I have a lot to work on, I know, but my natural inclination when corrected is much more defensive and closed off then is helpful for me. This is, of course, an area I am looking to work on, so this is helping. I'm slated to get my next rank of black belt in October, so that's nice. Of late, I've been toying with the idea of becoming a full blow Sensei myself. I guess I've always had the urge, but now it's becoming much more of a reality for me. We'll see how that goes, as I am technically a candidate. Turns out that this June will be my 20th anniversary of martial arts. I have two black belts, in Karate and Taekwondo, with a bit of experience in Krav Maga. Still, I also am looking to expand further, going deeper into Krav, while exploring something along the lines of Akido or Kung Fu. We'll see where I end up in the future on that note, but for now I am planning to focus my time at the Karate dojo. After all, it's where I started out. Honestly, I also want to develop my relationships with the staff there, the instructors that I have trained with for a very large portion of my life. I'd like to move beyond just a professional or training relationship, but I might be asking to much. Again, we'll see what happens after the bar.
Food has been interesting, as I am a lot more conscious of what I am eating. The number of times I have looked at something like a candy bar or a donut, drooled over it for a second, but ultimately walked away have really begun to add up. Cravings are there, sure, but the impulse to buy them is more or less gone. Fast food now has a major effect on me, pushing me to just avoid it at all points possible. Last time I had McDonalds I was feeling like crap for two days. On the one this is a good thing I guess, but I admit I will miss some of the flavors. However, my body and my pocket book will benefit in the long run, so I guess I shouldn't be complaining.
Oh, and I have a job lined up already for after the bar. Sadly, it is not a legal job, but it will put a bit of money back into my pocket. I'm going back to my old job as a bartending instructor. Seems that no one has been able to take care of the slack when I left. It'll be nice to have a source of income, but I don't expect it to last long. The place does not seem to be in good condition when last I visited, and the people capable of making the needed changes refuse to do so. Hopefully I can be a positive force when I return, but I am not holding my breath. I'm going to focus on keeping peace with myself, and using it as a spring board for bigger and better things in the future.
Oddly, you would think I would be in a much darker place than I am. I had to move back with my parents to study again for a test I failed and am having to return to an old job that does not pay very well. Most of the friends that I enjoyed have left the area, and the ones that are still around I have mostly lost touch with. It does feel like a huge step back in many respects. And yet, it really isn't. I'm not returning here the same as I was, so if anything I am starting to understand what my Shihan means when he says making a left turn in life. I am taking a step to my left, but I am still moving forward. It just means that the path I was trying to go no longer worked. I admit, this has not been an easy lesson for me to learn. As I mentioned before, there is just so much that I want to do, and so little time to do it all in...
However, in these moments of reflection, I do sometimes hit upon gold. Recently, when musing at the state of things, I was struck by a couple of questions that have really given me pause to think. Now, I have read a lot of the self help literature out there, in fact so much so that a lot of it starts to sound the same. A lot of the advice given in these books can sound overly simplistic, and for the more intellectually inclined like myself that can cause some issues. The world, life, people, are all complex entities, and so simple questions, simple suggestions, and simple answers all seem... well, wrong. And yet, the questions I was recently asking myself were along those same lines, and yet the answers they produced resonated so deep within me that I couldn't help but see the wisdom in the simplistic.
The questions are as follows;
If you had all the power in the world, how would you act?
If you had all the money in the world, what would you do?
And what do you think your answers say about you?
I'm sure I am not the only person to ask these questions, and I have heard a similar theme before in my own path of self help. I was asked once by an old therapist that what would winning the lottery do for me that I couldn't just do myself, given a bit more time. Same basic principal, but the answer then was not much different then the answer now. Had I won the lotto, hell if I should win the lotto now, there are a number of different programs and courses that I would love to take, places I would love to travel too, all without worry about the financial burdens that I now find myself in. Its no secret that living with debt can suck, and I have grown tired of working the lowest paying jobs, as again was previously mentioned. So being given access to that kind of wealth would feel like freedom, my cage being opened, and being allowed to really spread my wings and fly where ever I wanted to when ever I wanted to. I could spend a whole year just working on myself, going to intensive workshops around the world to break down all of the negative habits and patterns that I have developed in my life, and completely rebuild myself 100%. Not only could I remove my debt, but the debt of my family, give generous gifts to those that I love and have helped me in the past. I would likely need to get a financial adviser, because I do not see myself being the type to horde my money, but instead give and share it freely with the people close to me. This could, I admit, cause some issues, so I would need someone to help me maintain my wealth without giving in to the greed of others. Sure, I would want to help people, but honestly, the idea of them becoming dependent of me and unable to fly on their own does not sound ideal. It would be out of one cage and straight into another, which goes against my feelings of freedom here.
Well, that answers the question of money, and what I would do, but what about the first question? Well, this one is less clear to me. On the one hand, I would hazard a guess that my confidence would sky rocket, that I would feel invincible. I mean, I could feel like I can do anything I wanted... and that's the problem here. I know me, I know I have a dark side, and without taking the time to really develop a healthier me, I kind of just assume that dark side would take over if given ultimate power. Now, power can be interpreted in many ways, sure, but in my initial interpretation I become scared of my own potential. All the power in the world would only feed into a wounded ego, cause me to compensate in perhaps some very vial ways. It would be like the celebrity that believes they can do what ever they want because of their status, who the hell is going to say no to them? It could very well be that the reason I would spend at least the first year doing a lot of major work on myself is because I recognize this fact, and that I would want to spend the time improving myself before allowing the perks of ultimate power to take hold.
Some of you reading this might think "well that makes sense, power corrupts, after all." Honestly I have never been a believer in that kind of sentiment. This holds true for "money is the root of all evil" (an often misquoted phrase, as it should be the LOVE of money is the root of all evil, talking about greed). Personally I subscribe to the idea that money and power are not inherently evil, but instead that they magnify the inherent qualities within a person. If given the opportunity to get away with something, most people will do it. A knowing lack of consequence will drive people to do some very insane things. Even if a consequence seems remote or unlikely, it can be enough that a person will not do something, or have the opposite effect and drive a person to do something because they feel they will not be one of the ones caught. I think smoking is a great example of this, in the while the negative long term effects of smoking are so well known, so many people still do it because the consequences seem remote and far off. Things with immediate consequences, however, are less appealing, like putting your hand on a hot stove. Money and power remove consequences from a person's actions in so many cases, that obtaining it can bring out some of the worst flaws in a person. It wasn't that the millionaire was corrupted by money and thus became greedy, it is much more likely that they were greedy to begin with, and with money now in their possession, they are free to express that greed. When someone who has experienced powerless all their life is finally given power, their character now comes out in full play. They can now take revenge on those that tormented them, or they can seek to help others who similarly suffer the way they once did. The power does not dictate how it is used, but the quality of the person's character does.
All of that being said, the answer to the final question is simply that I still have a lot of work to do. Until I can get myself to a point where I will still act as a good person, even if given all the power and money in the world, then I will not be satisfied with my depth of character. This does not mean, of course, I endeavor to be a perfect saint. Even the most noble and generous a person is prone to a few moments of darkness and frustration. The world is full of people who only take, and that can be exhausting to deal with. However, I seek to become a person that will be truly happy with myself at the end of the day, with or without power. If infinite power cannot make me happy just being me, then it is of no real value to me as of this moment. I would rather become a person worthy of such power, not just another corrupted soul. As such, I have a lot of work to do, but I am on the right track. I just had to let myself take a left hand turn along the way.
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